Trying to Lose the Guilt

To breastfeed or not? A question that many mothers face when they are having a baby. For some, the decision is made for them (whether adopting, medical concerns, etc.). It seems that more and more women are choosing to breastfeed their babies. This is the choice that I made for my children. Both times, my goal/hope was to make it to a year. It shouldn't be that difficult, right? Whip a boob out when the baby is hungry? I can do that! It turns out there is so much more to it than just that. With Lily, I only made it six months breastfeeding, and I was working from home so that I could be with her. I think this happened for two reasons: 1) my doctor put me back on "the pill," which I think negatively affected my milk supply,and 2) my lack of knowledge and experience. (Did you know that even if you aren't getting engorged, you're still producing enough milk for your baby?! The things you learn....)

This week I decided to stop pumping for Emmy. I made it nine and a half months nursing/pumping with her, and I went back to work when she was six weeks old. I think eight months of pumping at work is an amazing feat in and of itself. And I will still continue to nurse her when I am with her, so she will still be getting the benefits of breastmilk.

This isn't a decision that I took lightly. I didn't wake up one day and say Ok, I'm done. She's had enough breastmilk. It took me a long time to come to this decision - a few months of thinking. In fact, there was a period of time a couple months ago that Emmy went on a little nursing strike. (I think she got a little frightened when I yelped after she bit me a couple times.) During that time period, my milk supply suffered - a pump can only do so much! The first time that we had to supplement with formula, I literally cried when I told our daycare provider that I didn't have enough milk for Emmy. (But she has been so good about keeping me positive and not feeling guilty about having to give Emmy formula!) Somehow, I powered through and was able to get my milk supply back up, but not quite to where it was before.

So why do I feel guilty about quitting? I feel guilty because I could keep going, I could keep trying, I could still provide breastmilk for my baby while I'm away from her (even if it's not enough for the whole day - daycare was supplementing with some formula already), but I quit pumping any way. It seems like a selfish act. I'm sure there are some people that would judge me for quitting when I'm still able to produce - after all, there are so many people out there that would love to be able to give breastmilk to their babies. This is where my guilty feelings come in to play. (I did have someone offer to donate some breastmilk for Emmy, but I declined the offer. Why? I just felt that it should go to a baby that truly needed it. My baby has had the benefits of breastmilk for the past nine and a half months. There are babies out there that are newborns and preemies that need the life-giving, life-saving benefits of a mother's milk.)

But, it still comes down to the fact that I am only one person. I have many tasks to complete, and many balls in the air. This is just one more ball that I can take out of my juggling act. In addition to pumping three times a day at my full-time job, I occasionally work on weekends, and sometimes trying to pump at events can prove to be quite a challenge! I also have another child at home to take care of, a husband, a house to clean, laundry to do, dinners to make, and a dog. Some people can handle all of that and pumping on top of it, others can't and choose to quit much earlier than I did. I finally came to the realization that I have tried to be SuperWoman for too long.  Since I made this decision, Emmy has consistently slept through the night (hopefully I'm not jinxing myself here!), and I hope that soon my guilt will completely wear off and I can be more upbeat - the sleeping through the night should help with that too!

Will my baby survive without breastmilk? Of course! Will she thrive? Indeed! And, if she doesn't have a mommy that is constantly wondering Will I have enough milk for her tomorrow?, she will probably feel the positive energy coming from me and will thrive even more than she did before. That is why I try not to feel guilty.

Everyone needs to choose to do what is best for their family. This is my choice. Some people would probably judge me, but I think I did a pretty darn good job for the past nine and a half months, and I'm proud of myself for going as long as I have!