If I Could Turn Back Time....

So often when people pass away we say, "If I could turn back time," followed by things that we would do differently. For this past week, the phrase has been running through my head over and over and over again. Ever since I heard about the death of my best friend's dad, I've kept thinking "If I Could Turn Back Time." But not for the typical reason. It runs through my head constantly now because it is my absolute favorite song of all time, and every time I hear it, it brings a smile to my face and my heart as memories come flooding back.

Back in junior high, I went on a road trip summer vacation with my best friend Heather and her parents. There were a few cassette tapes that we brought with us (yes, cassette tapes - remember those?). I don't remember all of them, but the Cher one stood out. Every single time the song "If I Could Turn Back Time" plays I think of Dan, Pat, and Heather. I can still imagine Dan sitting there in the driver's seat of the car singing the song to the rest of us. And even while driving, he would belt out "If I could reach the stars," and reach up for the stars, and then belt out "I'd give 'em all to you!" and reach to the back seat and hand them to Heather and me. Before that road trip, I had never heard that song before. After that trip, I had the whole thing memorized.

Years later, if the song came on the radio in Dan's office, he would call and leave the song as a voicemail message on my phone. Ever the jokester. But it always made me happy to know that he still remembered and still cared. I wish my voicemails hadn't disappeared when I switched phones.

Dan was a man full of one-liners, endless humor and goofiness. He was like a second father to me, and far better at embarrassing me than my own father ever was! A couple of his favorite lines were:
*Sara's so ugly she can stop running water.
*Sara must have hit every branch on the way down from the ugly tree.
*You're really a fart smeller - I mean, a smart feller!
*Fudge-Ah-Matic! (With big emphasis on the "fudge.")
He especially loved to pull those first two out when Heather and I had boys around.

Everything he did was full-on and full-energy, He was a great softball coach and a hard worker who never knew how to slow down and take it easy. He lived his life to its fullest, and did so much for others. On the outside he was a big goofball, but inside was a teddy bear. And luckily he had Pat to balance him out. I can't imagine a better pairing. Pat's calm and patience was the perfect other half for Dan. (And sometimes his only voice of reason.)

Well, Fudge-Ah-Matic, Dan! You sure caught us off-guard this time, and we will miss you dearly. Pat and Heather especially. There is a space in our lives that will never be filled again, and there will be a little less humor. You are one-of-a kind, that is for sure. 

But Dan, now that you can reach the stars, can you please give a few to us down here? 

Dear 2013, You kinda sucked. But I love you anyway.

I have never been suspicious of the number 13. It is just another number. Digit after digit. But this past year, 2013, has really made me wonder...

*The bumps in the road started early on when my grandma was diagnosed with cancer.
*In March, a coworker fell and ended up with a traumatic brain injury. He has been out of work since, and I have helped to cover some of his tasks, which  has made for some busy weeks and at times a lot of continuing to work from home in the evenings, and is continuing to mean extra hours and some weekend events at work.
*Sometime in the spring our water heater went out. We were without hot water for almost a week as we waited on parts.
*We finally had to realize that Joel's car wasn't going to make it much longer, and we had to buy a new one. This was especially difficult for two reasons: it was my grandma's car that I had bought from her, and money was already very tight. Buying a car was going to make it even tighter.
*In June, Lily fell off her bunk bed and broke her clavicle.
*My brother burned his fingers on acid at work and lost almost all of his fingernails (which have grown back, luckily).
*In July, Joel got sick and had more than one trip to the doctor's office/urgent care before being admitted to the hospital with an infection in his colon.
*Emmy fell face-first onto the concrete and we had another trip to urgent care.
*In October I was admitted to the hospital to treat a blood clot in my brain.
*Then Joel ended up being sick on Christmas, because the year needed to go out with one last blow.

It has been a rough year, so many ups and downs. And because of all the craziness, to top it all off, I turned to food and sugar (darn sweet tooth!) for comfort, leading me to gain almost 40 pounds.

So why did I love it anyway? Because of the lessons learned.

I always knew that my faith would get me through hard times, but fortunately I never had hard times to get through and lean on my faith. I am a worrier by nature. A lot of things freak me out. But when I was sitting in urgent care with a massive headache and the doctor came in to tell me that the ct scan showed a blood clot in my brain, I was calm. I didn't start to freak out or cry. I remember thinking, "okay, they'll get me to the hospital and take care of it." Totally not a normal response for me. I usually start running scenarios in my head where things go wrong and I start wondering what would happen to my kids if anything happened to me. But somehow through the whole thing I stayed calm and didn't freak out. But through the whole thing from diagnosis to ambulance ride to hospital admission to being admitted to the neurological ICU to MRI to spending four days in the hospital, I didn't freak out. I remained calm and knew that I would be okay. I cried a few tears, but that was only because I felt so blessed when my family showed up to visit me.

I didn't see my medical condition as a big deal. When I told people what happened, I would point to my head and kind of roll my eyes a little and nonchalantly say "I have a blood clot in my brain," like it was no big deal. I think that's because I knew I would be okay and because I was really lucky that it was in a vein and not an artery, so the blood was being stopped from leaving my brain instead of coming in. Had it been blocked from coming in, things could have been so much worse.

Through my whole experience I was at peace. The only explanation is because I had the strength of God on my side. Like I said, I always knew that my faith would get me through hard times but I never had it tested. Here's the awesome part about it: I never had to force myself to rely on it. It just lifted me up instantly. God gave me strength, and I didn't have to ask Him for it. He knows what I need, and when I need it most. And I had so many prayer warriors on my side lifting me up. I still prayed for continued strength and prayers of thanksgiving. I was at peace, and I didn't even need to ask for it. God gives us what we need when we need it. He hears our prayers, and He knows what is in our hearts. For that, I am so, so thankful.

I've learned is that it's okay to rely on others. I'm the kind of person that will do anything for anybody. If you need me to come over and clean your toilets, I'll do it. If someone is in need, I will jump up and help without hesitation. And I need to remember, that I'm not the only one like that. There are plenty of people out there who are the same. People who are willing to step up and help out. And I need to learn to ask for and accept that help. I am so lucky to have so many people that are willing to help out when needed. My parents have helped us out more times than I can count, friends opened their doors to us so we could shower when we had no hot water, friends that took care of my kids when Joel was in the hospital, my in-laws come down to help out with the girls when needed on more than one occasion, and so many more people offered help in other ways.

As a result of the craziness of this year, I have chosen happiness and peace. I choose not to let things bother me and get me angry. Anger is the easy response, but too much of it can just bring you down and change you. I am choosing to brush things off and let them go. Of course, this isn't always easy, and I will still get angry at times, but cutting down on how often I get upset about things is changing me. It will make me a better mother and a better wife and a better servant of the Lord. 

When it comes down to it, I know I am abundantly blessed. I have my home, my family and friends to support me, more than enough food and clothing, and my life. My beautiful, wonderful life. So I know that whatever comes my way, I can handle it.